"When I was a little girl, my parents told me that when I grew up I’d get married and have a lovely life. I always imagined it would be with someone called Dave. His hair would be brown, with a short back and sides and he’d look like one of those Next Directory Catalogue models. He’d be tall, well built, well hung. Joke. He’d cuddle you to death, making you feel small in his arms. He’d thank you for making him his tea and wouldn’t spend too much time necking lager. But then I grew up and realized Dave didn’t exist."